A Monologue For Two People
Eric – A 22 year old college student who has recently taken his life.
Clay – Eric’s roommate. Not dead yet, but fairly close.
God – God. Maybe.
Act I – A Meditation on the Death of the Only Friend: Boredom Begins To Take Hold
We are in a living room of a dorm. It is sparsely furnished, some might even say barren. A stereo is the main attraction; it is currently playing something weird and slightly pretentious. We are in the middle of an afternoon that never ends.
Clay: I think I want to kill myself.
Eric: You too?
Clay: Did it work for you?
Eric: Not really.
Clay: Do you think I should?
Eric: I dunno man.
Clay: I’m just bored.
Eric: Yeah. So was I.
Clay: I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.
Clay: Yeah. But I had an idea. I wanna rob something.
Eric: Like what?
Clay: A bank maybe.
Clay: Just kinda want to do it.
Clay: Do you think I can?
Eric: I mean, maybe.
Clay: I know it wouldn’t be, like, how to put it…simple.
Eric: No, it’s pretty complex.
Clay: I think I could do it though.
Clay: I dunno.
Eric: Me either.
Same dorm room, later in the night, the kitchen this time. Clay is cooking at the stove, currently boiling water for some vaguely tasteless and nutrition-barren meal. He sits on the counter occasionally checking his water. Eric stands nearby.
Clay: It might not have to be a bank.
Clay: It could be something else.
Eric: Like what?
Clay: I dunno. I guess I’d like it to be a bank.
Clay: It seems, like, classier than a gas station, ya know?
Eric: Yeah, I can see that.
Clay: Probably harder, though.
Clay: If I get away with it, I’d have a lot of money.
Eric: Yeah you would.
Clay: I don’t want a lot of money.
Eric: What would you do with it?
Clay: I have no clue.
Eric: Could give it away.
Eric: What would you need it for?
Eric: Then why do it?
Clay: I always wanted to.
Silence. Clay looks at the water. Feels it with a finger. Looks confused. He then actually turns the stove on.
Eric: Forget to turn it on?
Eric: You keep doing that.
Eric: Do you miss me?
Eric: Your water’s boiling.
Eric and Clay are sitting on the couch playing video games. They each have a controller.
Clay: I don’t think I can rob a bank alone.
Eric: No, probably not.
Clay: At least not successfully.
Eric: Do you want it to be successful?
Clay: Yeah. At least for the most part.
Eric: What’s that mean?
Clay: I don’t know.
Eric: Well, you might have to start making some calls.
Clay: I hate talking on the phone.
Eric: So did I.
Clay: I don’t know who to call.
Eric: Who do you know?
Eric: Who else?
Eric: I wouldn’t be much help with this anyways.
Clay: It would be pretty fun though. The two of us robbing a bank.
Eric: Maybe, yeah.
Clay: The most chill bank robbery of all time.
Clay: That’d make a good movie.
Eric: Two depressed guys robbing a bank?
Clay: Yeah. Entertaining at least.
Eric: Less entertaining in real life.
Clay: I dunno…
Eric: I don’t think the people at the bank are gonna find it entertaining.
Clay: You never know.
Silence. The video games have their attention.
Clay: Can I ask you a question?
Clay: Why are you holding a controller?
Eric: Your fantasy, dude.
Clay: I don’t want to call anybody.
Eric: You don’t have to.
Clay: I do, though.
Eric: Well, then…
Clay: How do you ask somebody to rob a bank with you?
Eric: I don’t know.
Clay: This is already more complicated than I thought it would be.
Eric: That’s life.
Same couch, but the video games are put away. Clay is on the phone, visibly uncomfortable. Eric sits nearby.
Clay: Hey, how are you? Great, great. Listen I – Yeah, it’s always pretty crazy, but that’s school you know. I just – No, you’re fine, I just wanted to ask you something. No, I don’t need money. I was wondering if you would be interested in helping me out with a job. No, like, it’s kind of, unusual. Like, in the not legal kind of way. Yeah, so I want to rob a bank, and I really could use your help. Seriously, yeah. Um, just me right now, but I’m looking to get one or two more people. I really don’t know. No, not him. I’m not robbing a bank with him. He’s a piece of shit. Look, this all might not even happen, I just wanted to know if you’re interested. Okay, yeah. When I have more details, I’ll get those to you. Hopefully before too long. Awesome, thanks a bunch, bye.
Clay: I think he’s up for it.
Eric: That didn’t take much convincing.
Clay: Well, have you ever met my boss?
Clay: He’s a little…odd.
Eric: Well, that could help I guess.
Eric: So you’re really doing this?
Clay: If everything comes together, it looks like it, yeah.
Eric: What’s your plan?
Clay: What do you mean?
Eric: You need a plan to rob a bank.
Clay: Well yeah.
Eric: Like, an actual plan.
Eric: Written down and everything.