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A Monologue For Two People


Eric – A 22 year old college student who has recently taken his life.

Clay – Eric’s roommate. Not dead yet, but fairly close.

God – God. Maybe.

Act I – A Meditation on the Death of the Only Friend: Boredom Begins To Take Hold


Scene 1

We are in a living room of a dorm. It is sparsely furnished, some might even say barren. A stereo is the main attraction; it is currently playing something weird and slightly pretentious. We are in the middle of an afternoon that never ends.


Clay: I think I want to kill myself.


Eric: You too?


Clay: Did it work for you?


Eric: Not really.


Clay: Do you think I should?


Eric: I dunno man.




Clay: I’m just bored.


Eric: Yeah. So was I.




Clay: I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.


Eric: Yeah?


Clay: Yeah. But I had an idea. I wanna rob something.


Eric: Like what?


Clay: A bank maybe.




Eric: Why?


Clay: Just kinda want to do it.




Clay: Do you think I can?


Eric: I mean, maybe.


Clay: I know it wouldn’t be, like, how to put it…simple.


Eric: No, it’s pretty complex.


Clay: I think I could do it though.


Eric: Maybe.


Clay: I dunno.


Eric: Me either.


Scene 2

Same dorm room, later in the night, the kitchen this time. Clay is cooking at the stove, currently boiling water for some vaguely tasteless and nutrition-barren meal. He sits on the counter occasionally checking his water. Eric stands nearby.


Clay: It might not have to be a bank.


Eric: No?


Clay: It could be something else.


Eric: Like what?


Clay: I dunno. I guess I’d like it to be a bank.


Eric: Why?


Clay: It seems, like, classier than a gas station, ya know?


Eric: Yeah, I can see that.


Clay: Probably harder, though.


Eric: Yeah.




Clay: If I get away with it, I’d have a lot of money.


Eric: Yeah you would.


Clay: I don’t want a lot of money.


Eric: What would you do with it?


Clay: I have no clue.


Eric: Could give it away.


Clay: Maybe.


Eric: What would you need it for?


Clay: Nothing.


Eric: Then why do it?


Clay: I always wanted to.


Silence. Clay looks at the water. Feels it with a finger. Looks confused. He then actually turns the stove on.


Eric: Forget to turn it on?


Clay: Yup.


Eric: You keep doing that.


Clay: Yup.




Eric: Do you miss me?




Clay: Yeah.




Eric: Why?




Clay: Yeah.




Eric: Your water’s boiling.


Scene 3

Eric and Clay are sitting on the couch playing video games. They each have a controller.


Clay: I don’t think I can rob a bank alone.


Eric: No, probably not.


Clay: At least not successfully.


Eric: Do you want it to be successful?


Clay: Yeah. At least for the most part.


Eric: What’s that mean?


Clay: I don’t know.


Eric: Well, you might have to start making some calls.


Clay: I hate talking on the phone.


Eric: So did I.


Clay: I don’t know who to call.


Eric: Who do you know?


Clay: You.


Eric: Who else?




Eric: I wouldn’t be much help with this anyways.


Clay: It would be pretty fun though. The two of us robbing a bank.


Eric: Maybe, yeah.


Clay: The most chill bank robbery of all time.


Eric: Yeah.




Clay: That’d make a good movie.


Eric: Two depressed guys robbing a bank?


Clay: Yeah. Entertaining at least.


Eric: Less entertaining in real life.


Clay: I dunno…


Eric: I don’t think the people at the bank are gonna find it entertaining.


Clay: You never know.


Silence. The video games have their attention.


Clay: Can I ask you a question?


Eric: Sure.


Clay: Why are you holding a controller?


Eric: Your fantasy, dude.




Clay: I don’t want to call anybody.


Eric: You don’t have to.


Clay: I do, though.


Eric: Well, then…


Clay: How do you ask somebody to rob a bank with you?


Eric: I don’t know.


Clay: This is already more complicated than I thought it would be.


Eric: That’s life.


Scene 4

Same couch, but the video games are put away. Clay is on the phone, visibly uncomfortable. Eric sits nearby.


Clay: Hey, how are you? Great, great. Listen I – Yeah, it’s always pretty crazy, but that’s school you know. I just – No, you’re fine, I just wanted to ask you something. No, I don’t need money. I was wondering if you would be interested in helping me out with a job. No, like, it’s kind of, unusual. Like, in the not legal kind of way. Yeah, so I want to rob a bank, and I really could use your help. Seriously, yeah. Um, just me right now, but I’m looking to get one or two more people. I really don’t know. No, not him. I’m not robbing a bank with him. He’s a piece of shit. Look, this all might not even happen, I just wanted to know if you’re interested. Okay, yeah. When I have more details, I’ll get those to you. Hopefully before too long. Awesome, thanks a bunch, bye.


Eric: Well?


Clay: I think he’s up for it.


Eric: That didn’t take much convincing.


Clay: Well, have you ever met my boss?


Eric: No.


Clay: He’s a little…odd.


Eric: Well, that could help I guess.


Clay: Yeah.




Eric: So you’re really doing this?


Clay: If everything comes together, it looks like it, yeah.


Eric: What’s your plan?


Clay: What do you mean?


Eric: You need a plan to rob a bank.


Clay: Well yeah.


Eric: Like, an actual plan.


Clay: Yeah.


Eric: Written down and everything.




Clay: Really?


Eric nods.


Clay: Shit.

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