We open on a dim stage. The gloomy shapes of a living room lit by moonlight can be seen. Offstage we can hear a car arrive and park. The trunk opens, and somebody grunts, struggling with something heavy. The trunk is shut, and we can see LENNY slowly dragging something large across the front of the stage.

 

LENNY: (In a low sing-song voice.) Just gotta get inside...and everything will be just fine...nobody will know he's dead...if I can just keep my head...

 

LENNY makes it to the opposite side of the stage, and continues off. We can hear the jingle of keys and the sound of a door being open and shut. LENNY appears again, still dragging the large thing into the middle of the living room set this time. Just as he reaches center stage, all of the lights pop on, and from behind the furniture jump , SAMANTHA, STEPHEN, and LINDA SUE.

 

ALL (Except LENNY): SURPRISE!

 

LENNY freezes, we can now see the thing he's been dragging is a dead body wrapped in plastic. This now falls to the floor with a thud. LENNY'S parents and fiance crowd around him.

 

STEPHEN: Look at him, we really got him!

 

SAMANTHA: Well don't just stand there sweetie, gimme a kiss!

 

LINDA SUE: Look at your cute little surprised face, oh it's adorable.

 

STEPHEN, SAMANTHA, and LINDA SUE all break into a round of “Happy Birthday”. It doesn't make it to the end, as everyone notices the body on the ground.

 

LENNY: (Faking excitement.) This...is...unexpected...and...so...excellent...thank you. I thought we were meeting for dinner...in an hour or so...

 

LINDA SUE: Um, sweetheart, what's that?

 

LENNY: What's what? (Fake notices body.) Oh, this? It's, you know, a thing...

 

LINDA SUE: A thing?

 

LENNY: Yeah, you know, just one of those things...

 

SAMANTHA: Are you okay, sweetie? You look flushed.

 

LENNY: Well, it was heavy. You know how things can be heavy sometimes? You know, Dad.

 

STEPHEN: Oh, absolutely. Things can definitely be heavy sometimes, that's for sure.

 

LENNY: Well, there you go.

 

Awkward pause.

 

SAMANTHA: Sweetie?

 

LENNY: Yes, Mom?

 

SAMANTHA: Just what kind of a thing is it?

 

LENNY: It's the...heavy kind, Mom. Right, Dad?

 

STEPHEN: Sure seems like it, son.

 

SAMANTHA: Yes, but what kind of heavy thing, exactly?

 

LINDA SUE: I think it's leaking.

 

LENNY: Oh, no, that's probably not true.

 

SAMANTHA: Well if it's leaking we've got to get it off the hardwood. Stephen, help me.

 

SAMANTHA and STEPHEN go for the body. LENNY obstructs.

 

LENNY: No! That's okay, really. No need.

 

STEPHEN: Now, you don't want those floorboards warping, son –

 

SAMANTHA: Really, Leonard, you can be so precious sometimes with your things –

 

LINDA SUE: I don't want it staining anything in here –

 

STEPHEN: Not to mention the mold underneath –

 

SAMANTHA: Been that way since you were a child –

 

STEPHEN: And the foundation issues from all that –

 

LINDA SUE: It's not just your place anymore, it's OUR place –

 

LENNY: (Loudly) Okay! Okay! Easy. Look, it's not leaking, it's not a leaking thing, everything is fine, why don't we all just...go...away...and get some birthday ice cream together! My treat!

 

SAMANTHA: Your treat? But it's your birthday?

 

LENNY: ...Exactly... and what better way to celebrate a birthday than by treating the people I love to some delicious ice cream?

 

Awkward pause.

 

LINDA SUE: Are you sure you're okay? You are really sweating.

 

LENNY: Must be the heat.

 

LINDA SUE: It's May, the heat isn't on.

 

LENNY: Of course it's not. I meant, residual heat. From the surprise. You know how you get hot when you get surprised?

 

LENNY looks for encouragement from the room and finds none.

 

SAMANTHA: I know what this is.

 

LENNY: Do you?

 

SAMANTHA: This is just like his eighth birthday party, do you remember that one, Stephen?

 

STEPHEN: Remember it? Right after seven and right before nine, I should say I remember it. Good age, eight.

 

SAMANTHA: We had set up a bounce house and a petting zoo and a pony ride and he didn't want to go near any of it, remember?

 

STEPHEN: Damn pony at all my azaleas, I should say I remember...

 

SAMANTHA: And when we finally got him to admit why he didn't want to do any of the fun things, do you remember what he said?

 

LENNY: Mom...

 

SAMANTHA: Hush, sweetie, Mommy's talking.

 

STEPHEN: Every single one. Not a couple azaleas, or a few azaleas, every single damn flower in that bed...

 

SAMANTHA: He finally admitted that it was because he hadn't wiped well enough earlier that day, and his little butt had a rash on it that looked like a fire truck!

 

LENNY: Mom!

 

LINDA SUE: Oh, Leonard, you poor baby...

 

SAMANTHA: And we had spent all this money, how much money was it, Stephen?

 

STEPHEN: Left all the dandelions alone, didn't eat a single weed, but my prize-winning azaleas on the other hand...

 

SAMANTHA: So there I am, my own son's eighth birthday, rubbing lotion into his butt that you could see from the moon, I'm sure...

 

LENNY: Mother!

 

LINDA SUE: My poor little Lenny... Is that why you don't like birthday's? Was it the trauma? You look traumatized.

 

LENNY: I feel traumatized.

 

SAMANTHA: Is that the reason you're not having a good time? Did you forget to wipe earlier?

 

LENNY: Mother! Jesus, no! I wipe! I'm a good wiper!

 

LINDA SUE: He is a good wiper, we've never had a problem with it.

 

LENNY: Linda, please!